I AM ... AN ILLUSION?
Documentary series.
A story of losing... and finding oneself.
Our heroine is Xenia, a 43-year-old Russian woman. She has devoted herself to her family, but now that her children are growing up, most of her mothering is behind her. She feels as though the world has rushed ahead and left her on the sidelines. Not knowing her place in the world clashes painfully with her seemingly comfortable life.
Who is she, apart from a mother and a wife? Is this really all she is capable of?
Dmitry, a successful businessman, hopes Buddhism can help Xenia. He invites her to a monastery in London and introduces her to the monks there. Together, they decide to travel to Myanmar (Burma) to practice meditation.
A story of losing... and finding oneself.
Our heroine is Xenia, a 43-year-old Russian woman. She has devoted herself to her family, but now that her children are growing up, most of her mothering is behind her. She feels as though the world has rushed ahead and left her on the sidelines. Not knowing her place in the world clashes painfully with her seemingly comfortable life.
Who is she, apart from a mother and a wife? Is this really all she is capable of?
Dmitry, a successful businessman, hopes Buddhism can help Xenia. He invites her to a monastery in London and introduces her to the monks there. Together, they decide to travel to Myanmar (Burma) to practice meditation.
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Myanmar is a closed country and a difficult one to travel in. To secure the protection and support of Burmese monks, the friends agree to make a film about Buddhism for a Russian TV channel. Joining them as an expert is Swiss psychologist Dr. Reini Hauser, who becomes Xenia's main guide in her search during the journey.
Once in Myanmar, they travel the country together with the monks. Xenia interviews monks, climbs into ancient caves to visit hermits, plays with children at a local public school, feeds novice nuns and helps bring in the harvest. Yet she is constantly gnawed by a sense of her own worthlessness, of being at odds with her own life. Every day, Reini holds a psychological session with Xenia.
Quotes from the series:
“You blame yourself for missing a path. As you do that, you’re losing yourself. You’re losing yourself at this moment!”. Reini Hauser.
«Make it a quiet environment. It is very quiet here in the mountains. So, you become yourself, your own person, and then your mind gradually purifies». Venerable U Lokanatha.
“Step by step for every action! Body action, mental action! You must investigate every action, and then knowledge will come out, and delusion will go away.” Venerable Ashin Thondara.
“You must climb up step by step! Ah, all the things it takes to reach your destination!”
Venerable Ashin Nyanisara
*These documentaries were filmed in Myanmar (2013), based on psychological work and Buddhist wisdom. Originally it was produced for the Russian TV channel Psychology-21, and has now been re-edited for our English-speaking audience.
Once in Myanmar, they travel the country together with the monks. Xenia interviews monks, climbs into ancient caves to visit hermits, plays with children at a local public school, feeds novice nuns and helps bring in the harvest. Yet she is constantly gnawed by a sense of her own worthlessness, of being at odds with her own life. Every day, Reini holds a psychological session with Xenia.
Quotes from the series:
“You blame yourself for missing a path. As you do that, you’re losing yourself. You’re losing yourself at this moment!”. Reini Hauser.
«Make it a quiet environment. It is very quiet here in the mountains. So, you become yourself, your own person, and then your mind gradually purifies». Venerable U Lokanatha.
“Step by step for every action! Body action, mental action! You must investigate every action, and then knowledge will come out, and delusion will go away.” Venerable Ashin Thondara.
“You must climb up step by step! Ah, all the things it takes to reach your destination!”
Venerable Ashin Nyanisara
*These documentaries were filmed in Myanmar (2013), based on psychological work and Buddhist wisdom. Originally it was produced for the Russian TV channel Psychology-21, and has now been re-edited for our English-speaking audience.
Chapter 1. Who Am I?
Who is Xenia, besides being a mother and a wife? Is that really all that she is capable of? Dmitry is a friend of Xenia’s, hopes that meditation and Buddhism will help her get through her crisis. He invites her to visit a Burmese monastery in London, to meet his old friend, a monk called U Lokanatha.
Filming location:
Myanmar
Date:
Filmed 2013. Postproduction 2021.
Myanmar
Date:
Filmed 2013. Postproduction 2021.
Chapter 2. My Inner Critic
In this chapter, we get to know Myanmar through the eyes of our heroes. But serene landscapes, the simple lives of local people and the everyday duties of young nuns do not bring peace to Xenia. Everything only exacerbates, reinforces her internal conflicts: "Maybe all these thoughts about paths and fate are an illusion? Maybe they are just trendy western ideas, inspired by Hollywood movies?"
Chapter 3. My concentration
Xenia and Dmitry’s wife Edita arrive at the women’s meditation center. Xenia is very anxious: will she be able to concentrate properly? She has heard that Burmese meditation techniques are strict and tough. Local monks keep postponing their meditation. Instead, they explain meditation techniques and give different worldly tasks to the heroines. The calm atmosphere of the meditation center helps women slow down, relax, and prepare for the practice...
“Meditation or enlightenment is only a skill. You practice something day after day. And eventually, you will be good at it.” Yogi
“Meditation or enlightenment is only a skill. You practice something day after day. And eventually, you will be good at it.” Yogi
Chapter 4: "I Am Overflowing"
Monks explain the basic concepts of Theravada Buddhism, Reini demonstrates his understanding of psychology, other people share their wisdom. But because Xenia can't hear herself, all this information is too overwhelming. Xenia's mind is overloaded, and she is blaming everyone around.
“And now I am here, and I want to go beyond the limits of my mind, beyond the consciousness. It is a big thing because I’m not an empty bottle. They filled me up with many things over the years. But to accept the teaching and true wisdom, I need to empty myself first.” One of the Yogini
“And now I am here, and I want to go beyond the limits of my mind, beyond the consciousness. It is a big thing because I’m not an empty bottle. They filled me up with many things over the years. But to accept the teaching and true wisdom, I need to empty myself first.” One of the Yogini
Chapter 5. My Inner Observer
After the meditation center, Xenia, along with monks and friends, continues to travel around Myanmar, studying Buddhism and the role of women in Burmese culture. But most of all, she is interested in the psychological sessions with Reini, during which she explores the very essence of her path. Reini helps Xenia to see how she blocks her spontaneity. He works, provokes, and plays with Xenia. Xenia is disappointed that, after all this time, she still cannot find herself. Reini is doing his best to help her see: Xenia is already, at this moment – herself. The insight comes during a dinner with friends.
“I want to help you to discover your way and that you’re already going your way. It’s not somewhere in the future or the past or somewhere else. It’s always right now. You just need to notice: “Aha! I chose this, I do this!”” Reini
“I want to help you to discover your way and that you’re already going your way. It’s not somewhere in the future or the past or somewhere else. It’s always right now. You just need to notice: “Aha! I chose this, I do this!”” Reini
Chapter 6. My Taste of Life.
A new day of travel begins, new questions arise... "What is my true abundance, apart from material values? What can I share with other people?" Reini helps Xenia understand that her ability to see beauty in others and admire other people's life paths is not her weakness but a gift. If she wants, she can share it, even in a professional field.
Xenia sees that the "cage of the rational mind" isn’t an issue. If the "mind" is caught up and she doesn’t know what to do next, her body knows.
You may be a businessperson, you may be rich, but at the same time, you must practice, to do loving-kindness meditation, do good things and speak nicely. Then you won't be arrogant, you will understand what the meaning of your life is. U Lokanatha
Xenia sees that the "cage of the rational mind" isn’t an issue. If the "mind" is caught up and she doesn’t know what to do next, her body knows.
You may be a businessperson, you may be rich, but at the same time, you must practice, to do loving-kindness meditation, do good things and speak nicely. Then you won't be arrogant, you will understand what the meaning of your life is. U Lokanatha
Chapter 7. My first steps
In recent decades, western public views on women’s role in society have changed rapidly; women are less held back by patriarchic obligations, are allowed to be who they are. It is for sure a relief; at the same time a challenge, it makes women face new questions. “What are my talents and strengths? How do I transform my limitations into something helpful, inspiring?". Myanmar helps our heroes to understand that the very opportunity to question one's life path is already a privilege. Xenia continues to use this chance to have deep conversations with monks, practice meditation and work with Reini. Reini helps her interpret an important clue from her dream.
“In an interview, I feel really connected, very intense. All my attention goes to the person, I am interviewing. I almost lose where it’s you or me... We become One. You know? It feels almost like …” Xenia
“In an interview, I feel really connected, very intense. All my attention goes to the person, I am interviewing. I almost lose where it’s you or me... We become One. You know? It feels almost like …” Xenia
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